I have NEVER had a hard time falling asleep at night, but the past few days I have become somewhat of an insomniac. To the point that I'm getting out of bed to get something done quick that I'd been worrying about, or write myself a note so I won't forget to do something.
Monday I ran a bunch of errands and felt like I had a pretty productive day. Tuesday I woke up with a list of a few things to do, and only half accomplished ONE of them. It turned into a terribly stressful day for me, and the frustrating thing is that I know it was totally irrational. I am going to be going back to work part-time starting in October. It took about four hours to figure out what I need to do to recertify myself, and start looking into courses and information about the continuing education I need to accomplish. You'd think I would have been happy that I finally got that figured out, but by then I was starting to stress about everything I didn't get done and the fact that I wanted to shower but can't leave my kids unsupervised. I was stressing about all the things I had wanted to accomplish that would now have to be done on Wednesday.
By 3pm on Tuesday I was feeling so anxious that I thought I might have a nervous breakdown. I called Nick on his break and vented to him. He sent his brother over to take Nixon off my hands so I could have some time to shower. I gave up on the idea of cooking dinner and ordered pizza. The day was looking up until I attempted to do one of those continuing education courses and had a ton of problems trying to upload things and had to send a million emails back and forth with the dental company. It still isn't figured out. I went to bed feeling annoyed about my day and all the things I had to get done the next day. Things like cleaning my house and putting away laundry. Easy things. I laid in bed worrying about cleaning. About cleaning for goodness sake!
On Wednesday Nixon slept in a little, so I got up and got most of my cleaning done before a few friends came over to visit. I had a wonderful afternoon hanging out with friends. Wednesday night I finished vacuuming and mopping the floors (which had not been cleaned in FOREVER). I sat down to watch Survivor only to discover that the 3 shows I had PVR'd didn't work for some reason. I practically had a melt down and yelled at Nick (like it was his fault...). I started recording Survivor at a later time that night and did the dishes. When the night was over I looked around at my clean smelling house and was so happy that what I'd been worrying about was done. Pure relief. Why was I even worrying in the first place???
Today I started looking into the course Nick is going to apply for and realized that he is going to have to do some upgrading first, and we missed the fall cutoff. Stress began creeping back into my head... Then while Nixon was napping I read a friend's blog where she talked about all a life changing tragedy and all of the things she is grateful for. It started to put things into perspective for me. Why was I stressing about things that DO NOT matter? Then while I was preparing dinner Nick called to tell me he had to work late and wouldn't be home in time for dinner, or for me to go get a massage that I had booked. The annoyance came back....
WHY ARE MY EMOTIONS ALL OVER THE PLACE??? I feel like a crazy person and I know that I am being irrational. Is this all seriously stemming from having a baby? That was practically 3 months ago. All I want to do is feel normal and happy. Anybody have words of advice?
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6 comments:
what?! nervous breakdown? get the massage, and call me anytime.
After I have my babies I feel like this! Everything is upsetting to me. I am kind of an unorganized person as it is but when my last baby was about 3 months old, my house being a mess or not absolutely perfect made me anxious and emotional even though I knew I was making it worse that it really was. I think it is mild post partum. Good luck, but know you're not the only one. Try not to focus on what doesn't get done and think about the small things that matter that you do do that no one else notices. Example, feed Nixon and the baby +++ times. Change how many diapers. Cuddle them. Clean the dishes, pick up a few toys, read a book, do a load of laundry, just simple things that you do that matter!!!! Hope you start feeling better!
I felt anxious reading this!!! How about next time nick works late and you can't go to the massage call me. Or book it during the day and I will come watch them. Not kidding. Since I stay at home i always feel like I have to be "productive" and have something to show for my day. But in these short three ish months I've realized that the dishes can wait for another day because I got to okay with my baby and enjoyed bonding with her. I also think it's important for YOU time. Everyday. Even if it is just a shower and get ready to feel good, or a nice long bubble bath or just doing whatever you want to do that gets your mind off it all. And don't worry, I still feel way too emotional and can cry at anything, still!!!
Care! Hang in there, and if you are feeling stressed, call me. Please....
You are so 100% normal. It really does take A LONG time to adjust to having more kids. I really think that I started to feel the pressure right around the 3 month mark with Rylee...and Mac for that matter...I think it is because you subconsciously think, "Well, that "hard" part is over, I should have this all down, and I should be able to get everything done, be in a routine and a schedule and everything should run smoothly!" WRONG...i think we think that is going to happen, and then when it doesnt, we lose it. (I say we, because you and I are VERY similar with routines and schedules, I know it!). So, at this point (sorry to make it about me....just sharing my story, hope it helps), I realized that I just HAD to let things go. Once I accepted that, I was a much happier person, I really think I had turned into a crazy person! Make lists...write the down (which you already do)...Some days I just felt like if I got myself semi-ready and the kids were ready and fed, it was a good day. Dont expect too much of yourself....you are raising two SMALL children, that is so much more important than anything. I think I finally found time to get more done around the house, besides just keeping it clean, once Rylee was a little older and her and Scoty could play more together. Just hang in there, and dont forget to TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF....sleep when the kids nap, seriously, i LOVE that time, and that is what I usually do, nothing productive, just sleep...it feels oh so good!!!
oh and DO NOT compare yourself to others. We are all really REALLY good at hiding how unorganized we all REALLy are....so just make a goal for yourself that you feel is achievable and go for it!
Ok, that was long! Sorry, you can just press delete if you want, it may not have even made sense!!!
Oh, and WORK!?!?! Where? fun! sometimes I wish I could go to work a couple of days a week...i kinda miss working out of the house, you can leave THAT work stuff at work!!
You are so 100% normal. I often find it hard to play with Quinn when I feel like there is so much I should be doing. I think I feel that when Tyler comes home I NEED to be able to show him what I did with my day instead of just saying that I enjoyed our children. I read this quote and I thought it was just for me but I'll share.
"Don't wish away your days of caring for young children. This is your great day. Sometimes we get so caught up in the physical work and trivia that we forget the big picture. We forget whose children they really are. When the house is filled with children, noise and teasing and laughter, you get the feeling this is forever. Before you know it they will be gone...The rewards of mothering are not immediate...We have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove anything, to be what we are...Don't dwell on your failures, but think about your successes. Have joy in your home. Have joy in your husband. Have joy in your children. Be grateful for the journey."
You are awesome and are doing such an amazing job raising those two babies.
One baby is overwhelming and you've got TWO! (I consider babies 2 and under.) It's ok to feel how you feel - just acknowledge it and try to do the things that make you feel the best.
Plus, the not getting enough sleep adds to the "emotions". I'm going through the same thing right now with my babies. Last night I was up every hour...think happy thoughts think happy thoughts.
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